This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
