The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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