I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
