we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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