i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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