Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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