Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
