I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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