I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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