My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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