i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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