How'd it feel making her break her religion?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
