...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
