Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
