How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
