So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
