Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
