i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So much rum. So many feels.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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