I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
