we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
