i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
