omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
