I'm so fucking centered right now
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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