the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
