He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just tell him i said nine months
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
