I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
You can't motorboat a personality
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
