At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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