I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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