I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
