who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't deserve a penis
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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