I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
