We won't sleep together?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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