the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
