She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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