I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
