Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
