put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i think i just lost a toe
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