Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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