I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
