In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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