I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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