Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
