Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My dad just said "fuck circus"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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