mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
