i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
