yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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