I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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