My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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