you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
