I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
